Ode to Hannah

I can't believe it, she's five!!!! and going on 15, this little girl is so full of life and has taught me so many things so I wanted to highlight a few from the years.

Hannah's delivery was kinda scary and actually made me very fearful of having more kids, we almost lost her and I wasn't doing to well either but as always the Lord was right there and truthfully I had peace and I didn't really understand what had happened until much later, He protected us and kept us healthy and safe! I picked this picture of her that was taken a hour or two after she was born because I feel it shows her. She was very quiet, observant and a little unsure, but then once daddy held her all that worry just melted away. She was comfortable with me and knew I was her mom, but she felt safe in daddy's arm and he was the only one that could put her to bed at night. What this taught me was to be confident in myself, I was always doubting myself as a mom and thinking I was doing everything wrong, but once I started gaining confidence and just being myself she felt more and more safe with me. And to this day I can always tell when I am not myslef, reflected in how she looks at me, not with anger or madness but almost a searching.

Now she is 6 months old and I will always remember this about her and it still stands out to me a true representation of who she is. My sister Jaime was sad about something and started crying (my sister never cries so this was a pretty big cry) and hannah was on the couch next to her, she crawled over and gently lifted her hand up and caressed her face then just sat down next to her waiting. It was so sweet that my sister stopped crying and we just looked at each other like... wow. She has always been caring and comforting, she used to sleep with jake and I and she would cuddle me. She would lay her head on her pillow and lift her arm up for me to lay right inside it and then lay her hand on my head. Always caring, always comforting.

She was always smiling, but quick to be afraid if she thought you were making fun of her or if she thought you said something mean. She has always been sensitive to tones of voices. This taught me to listen to what i was saying and how I was saying it, taught me to be slow to anger and patient. This picture is an example of her thinking someone was making fun of her. The other thing about that is when I would explain it to her she would stop crying and trust me, which is another thing I need to fully learn..trust.

Now she is one and so beautiful and funny! She started trying to make us laugh and still so cute. She showed me then that she isn't afraid (when she is comfortable), up til now she hated loud nosies, people she didn't know and it took a lot to make her trust you. We went to Yosemite (as usual) but this time she was big enough to hike and sleep in the tent and expereince everything, and she came truly alive. She wasn't afraid of anything, charged up the mountain and kept me busy chasing her around the campground. but it was the first time I saw her truly be her, she taught me how to be myslef, by becoming herself. Every time we go on a hike or bike outdooors she comes alive!

When she was two when we found out we were going to have another baby. She was with me when I found out and I said hannah we are going to have a baby, and she jumped up and down so excited saying I'm going to be a sister. Then we went to daddy's work and she walked up to him telling him she was a big sister. She was so proud and never had any sense of jealousy or apprehension, it was like she knew this was a part of her. All the way until austin came she would play babies and change their diapers and be their mom, developing even more her sense of nuturing and caring. She never paid much attention to baby dolls until then. She loved helping me get ready for austin and we became little friends. Austin was a C-section and I had to go in the operating room without hannah, she walked me to the door holding my hand telling me she loved me, then she showed me how brave she was, I was crying and a litle scared b/c of my last expereince, but looking at her and knowing that I needed her to be strong she held up and did great! Now she truly turned into my helper, getting diapers for me helping me rock him to sleep and just understood what it meant to be a big sister. She taught me she has what it takes to do what is needed!

The rest of that year she kept devloping into herself and austin helped her quite a bit, this taught me that I can't give her everything she needs (obviously, not what God can give her) but that siblings and friends play an important role in her life as well. Then she was 3.5 and once again taught me another lesson, that she does need me. Sometimes she needs me to protect her from friends, from strangers and from herself.
Of course she is a normal child and has to deal with selfishness, but her actions are so loving. She has taught me so much of God's grace, just accepting and loving me. I can only hope that I can teach her that same thing. I have been so blessed to have her in my life. The best lesson she taught me had been her name.... hannah, which means grace.

Joys of Motherhood!

I have just felt so happy, lucky and blessed to be a mom lately. I have always loved being with kids and playing with them, but being a mom comes with many joys, and the best way I know how to descibe them are by pictures. The first couple are at the pool, which we usually go to at least twice a week. The ones after the pool, austin is shooting with his figer:) then jumping (flying) off the couch superman style. Hope you enjoy. Thank you God for my wonderful children!

Coffee Cake

So my friend dina has awakened my love of cooking again!! Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the day to day ongoings and tiredness that I seem to lack energy when it comes to dinner. While I love cooking and it is actually relaxing to me I rarely take the time to really cook, from scratch and make my own recipes. So as I said eairlier, I have been restored!!! (thanks dina):)
Well one of the things that I miss so much being a vegan is good desserts, creamy, soft, CHOCOLATE!!! well I have been experimenting and I think I have possibly made the perfect coffee cake, it is very finiky but i think it is perfected. So if you have a stormy, raining night this is a perfect recipe to have with some fresh brewed (decaf, since it is night) coffee. The kids and I thoughly enjoyed it. if you want to make it vegan follow recipe or use dairy alternative if you prefer not vegan.
Coffee Cake
3.5 Tbl margarine (without whey or milk)
a little less then 1/3 cup raw sugar
egg replacer for 2 eggs (ener-g egg replacer)
1 Tsp Vanilla
1/3 plus a pinch more cream cheese (tofutti brand)
1 Cup Flour
1/2 Tsp Baking soda
1/2 Tsp sea salt
1 Tsp Baking Powder

Set oven to 350. Mix butter and sugar together, add eggs and vanilla, mix add cream cheese then mix well. Add dry ingredients and place in 9in deep dish pie plate. Make crumb topping and pour evenly over cake. Bake for 30-35 minutes or just until a little browned on top. you want the cake to be a tiny bit gooey inside and it will still cook while in pan. After about 10 min it should be perfect

crumb topping- I don't measure, just go by feel and look and in this order
flour- about a handful and a half
brown sugar- same amount as flour
butter-but not too much start with a little and work in with pastry blender until crumbly
vanilla
cinnamon
I hope you enjoy this as much as I did, and if any of you have vegan friends this would be a welcomed treat:)

Happy Easter

So I heard a song on the radio the other day that I have actually heard a few times but for some reason it struck me. I was explaining to Hannah that Jesus was always ther with us and He will never leave us, then I started listening to what was playing and I was just stunned, God is so amazing, he always uses the kids to show me how much He loves me and them. He never fails me and I feel I can say that and truly believe it, for when it matters He is always there, just when I feel I don't have anything left or like I am not doing anything right He always comes in, not to repremand me or show me how it's done, but to show me how much He loves me. This song is a wonderful example of His love, of His sacrafice, and His heart. May you all be touched as I was. Happy Easter

Tenth Avenue North: By Your Side

"Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I,
I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go"

Joys of learning new things!

So, while I have been stressing, pondering and trying very hard to be myself and learn what I am supossed to Hannah and Austin (yet again) show me how it is done!

Austin learned to ride his bike this week, and it only took him 5 minutes!! Now he is riding eveywhere. Although he was scared at first, not of the bike or of failing/falling but becasue we were riding in the parking lot and he was afraid of the cars. Once I explained to him that I was watching for the cars and would inform him of their presence, and once he trusted my ability to do so he rode... and rode and rode. With no hesitation, nothing holding him back. Meanwhile Hannah rode next to him cheering him on singing a song about him being bumblebee (from transformers) and telling him "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (phil. 4:13). I just sat back and smiled (well actually I ran alongside austin, but) truly kids sometimes have all the answers. Just trust in God, sing a song, and do it! That's what they were saying to each other and how I wished I could be like them. It is these moments that I remeber and am so impossibly proud to be their mom, and next time I will be singing a song along with them!

What Colorado has taught me (so far)

There were so many reasons we wanted to move to Colorado, the mountains, snow, outdoors, and just feeling at peace here. But what I didn't expect was that I would find myself again! For the first time in a long time I feel like myself, I feel free to be me without being ashamed or embarassed or afraid of huring anyone's feelings. Being in a new place without all the things I usually have to hide behind or run to, leaves me two options.. 1) run away and continue hiding and being afraid or 2) trust, in every sense of the word, trust in God to provide, to help, to comfort, to restore and to fulfill the promises He's given us.

So often when I am faced with dilema's, new changes or anything really my first reaction is to reason, "well this is why this happened", or "this is why I should/shouldn't do this". I realized this while hiking and exploring Colorado, when I am outside doing these things I don't reason, I don't fear, I am simply at peace and I am myself. It is then I hear God saying "I am here, I have you, Do not fear, Do not worry or reason, I will fulfill My promise to you, You are mine!"

That is all I need! Watch out world this is me!

The things you learn from kid movies :)

I have always been a fighter, no matter what it was I fought it. If my mom wanted me to do something I fought her, even if I wanted to do it. For the longest time I just thought that was how I was. But then I started not liking it so I stopped fighting altogether, Well little did I know the kids (yet again, they are so much smarter then me!) taught me a lesson about myself.
We were watching Kung Fu Panda, which is very cute and recomended, anyway these animals are Kung Fu warriors. Kai Lung is the best, but he fights to prove evryone wrong, he wants to be the best and will do anything to get there, to prove he is strong enough, he is good enough. While viper (one of the five warriors) is very sweet, and a fighter. She fights for justice and truth, for protection. She is dangerous, yet controlled. While I was sitting there watching this, God was saying "That's you, you were meant to fight, fight for truth, fight for your family, yet not out of rebellion or proof of anything, just because that is who you are."
Wow,

Well I won't finish the story for those of you who haven't seen it, but viper isn't the "hero" of the story, she isn't the best, yet she is essential. So next time you are watching "Cars, or Cinderella" for the tenth time, just listen God may be teaching you something too, that you are loved, you are essential, and you are His